rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
