If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
