Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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