masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
