I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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