it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
