There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
