this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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