I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
there is glitter all over my balls
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
