I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
