youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
