a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
