Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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