I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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