just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
