The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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