everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
