Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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