i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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