I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
