There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh god it's open bar.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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