i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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