Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
