You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
