I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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