The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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