he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
