Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
