I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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