this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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