i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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