Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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