I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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