I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
