he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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