and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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