carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
