Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
