Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
