It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
