You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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