I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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