Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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