got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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