I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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