I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
