I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
