He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
