so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
