Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
