My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
